i take my self-reflection medium-rare...

Cease then, nor order imperfection name:
Our proper bliss depends on what we blame.
Know thy own point: This kind, this due degree
Of blindness, weakness, Heav'n bestows on thee.
Submit.--In this, or any other sphere,
Secure to be as blest as thou canst bear:
Safe in the hand of one disposing pow'r,
Or in the natal, or the mortal hour.
All nature is but art, unknown to thee;
All chance, direction, which thou canst not see;
All discord, harmony, not understood;
All partial evil, universal good:
And, spite of pride, in erring reason's spite,
One truth is clear, Whatever is, is right.

- Alexander Pope, "An Essay on Man"

Happy 'Unhappy' Father's Day

“The longer your parent lived, the more memories you have to cherish. Likewise, the more regrets you have about things you did or didn't do.” 

Maybe some day I will come back and edit this...but here are my thoughts and all their roughness...

So, I guess in some ways I’m glad my dad died when he did. Although, I wish I could have been the person today that I am now, and he could still be alive to see it. In many ways, I am neither as accomplished nor am I as strong in the way that our culture idealizes. That is scary. But, I am also a stronger individual death than I ever was before my dad’s. But I still have tunnel vision. After four years even.

Even when I was a kid, I was terrified of my father dying. I would imagine the ways in which it might happen.  And it was always sudden death. My dad and mom divorced when I was 12…but they started “divorcing” in court when I was 6, it was so drawn out and full of resent. But my dad left before I had any memories of he and my mom being together.

It’s funny how you learn to compartmentalize when you’re in emotional trauma. Even as a child. And how that compartmentalization becomes fractured memories…and a fractured sense of self.   

I won’t lie. I had good people in my childhood. But good people can be bad together. Dysfunction. Fighting. Manipulation. And love. Abnormality sometimes lends itself to good coping skills when it comes to “abnormal” situations. But it also lends itself to an inability to comprehend normality. At all costs. It’s too scary to think everything is and will ever be “okay.”

What would I do then?

tell me why / who knew

tell me why
why do i fall into these traps
tell my why
do i feed off your scraps

tell me why

tell me why
do i love what you do
and hate what you think
and  hold on to what you say
 i despise what you drink

tell me why
oh why
do you lie
make me cry
make ME lie
but i still don't wanna make YOU cry
tell me why

tell me why
our love works
with all my qwerks
you're a jerk
i love  you and i don't know why

tell me why

why do i want to come home to you
why do i want to go home to you
we don't have a home
we don't have a purpose
but i love you and i don't know why
i want to die

i love God
i love nothing else
not even me
but you
i love you
too

hate me please me feed me
go on and lead m e
even if you don't know you're going to
that's what you're going to do
screw me, i love you

torch me
i love you
..and you love me too
...who knew

Putting "stock" in The Almighty... SPITW

Clearly, this needs some editing...but, had to go ahead and put the ideas out there while I had 'em...otherwise, I'd probably lose the nerve or motivation...

How is it that our logical thinkers in this world are the most illogical when it comes to hedging bets?  It's not like most intellectuals are big on taking risks, especially when there is no gain. If it were so, that would make sense...but it's not, and it doesn't.
Imagine your ideal of the smartest person in the world (SPITW). Not necessarily what he or she would look like, or what their house/car/office would look like, but instead about how the ideal would "be."   Okay, would this person take risks? Sure, at opportune times. Would this person take risks at what other "normal" people would consider an inopportune time? Absolutely. That's how you rise above the rest.  Okay. Now, that's logical, hedge your bets and bet when the stakes are high for the best return (on whatever you are risking). Cool, even we "laymen" can understand that.
So he could keep the status-quo. Why not? He wouldn't gain anything, but he wouldn't risk losing...or would he?  Today's market standards dictate that, in fact, one does stand to lose if one tries to just "keep" what they have and leave the game. Even 401k's represent this...you have to get return on what you are earning; otherwise, what you gain will eat itself up and, in the end, you will be left with nothing. We could talk about this more, but I think you get the main point.
Scenario #2:  He could invest his life savings.  Now, what type of investment would the SPINTW invest in?  Would it yield return- absolutely. Would there be risk- um, yeah how else do you get a decent return.  Okay, might SPINTW risk it all in something with no return, just to keep it status-quo then? I think not. Do you think, maybe? In what scenario would SPINTW do this? Risk his life's savings in nothing, or something with nothing in return?  Give me a logical explanation or resolution to where this makes sense- any kind of logical sense at all. I sure can't think of one...maybe you can and I can't wait to hear about it.
What about this last scenario? Would your ideal of the smartest, most successful person in the world place their entire estate as wager on an investment that could yield no return?  Maybe just because it was logical? Think of a scenario in which this would or could be logical. Putting everything you have, risking it all, into an investment that gives nothing back- and you know it.
Add this. The investment in which the smartest person in the world has risked it all has an alternative. The only alternative. Say this alternative promises to multiply any investment three-fold...or give an infinite, incomparable even, amount of return- and that return on the investment would be risk-free. A sure thing. No one and nothing could ever take the riches away from the investor.
And one final thing, SPITW has to invest in SOMETHING.

Which scenario would your SPITW choose?  Where would he place his bets?

My SPITW has to believe in God. If he didn't he would be risking his investment on "nothing"...not only without the promise of something in return, but with evidence suggesting that he may be risking it all only to be in debt. And to be damned worse off than when he began. How smart is that? I mean, why not invest in something with a promise of return? You have evidence, no "proof" of it's return...but, it is better than any alternative investment. Without a guarantee on anything, the stakes must be considered...if your the SPITW, anyway.

Next at 10, demonic stock-brokers and what they can break in you. ...and me.

and what have you done with YOUR tuesday...

Does anyone else ever feel JUST CRAPPY. Like, crappy drained crappy. I know that sounds childish, but I am a 28-year-old woman and I feel crappy. Mostly because I suck at life. I am not sure why either- I know what TO do...but I just keep on not DOING it...and, while I'm "not doing it", I think about why I should be and how crappy of a person I am for not (doing it).

So, you ask, what is it you think you should be doing? My answer- anything. Yes, any thing. I sit on the couch (when I'm not at work) and do something mindless. As my mother would say, "why do you watch that  mindless drivel?"  And, actually, I've gotten to the point where I don't even pay attention to the TV anymore...instead, i find myself perusing facebook or searching for some idea that got in my head...and, then for another idea that came from the first idea, and I don't remember what the first thing I started searching even was.

Now I sound crazy.

Perhaps you have been diagnosed with ADD. I have. But, I am not convinced that I even have the disorder. I got diagnosed in college after trying the drug for "academic" purposes. Then, I went to the neurologist, who had diagnosed more than one of my friends, and got "diagnosed" as well.

Now, I do have A LOT of the "symptoms" associated with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder- there is no denying that. I am needy, spacey, my attention span resembles the flight pattern of a june bug on crack, and I constantly change my "priorities."  So, when the doctor put me on the drug of my desire, Adderall, I most certainly had no qualms. In fact, a prescription for this particular drug was my motivation for making the appointment anyway.

Who needs sleep?

I NEED SLEEP. I learned this about a year after being prescribed Adderall...and about 4 years after first taking it. Contrary to my previous belief, I do, in fact, NEED sleep. Everyone does. Otherwise, they (I) go round the bend. I'm just now finding my way back from the bend- and, "it ain't easy" my friend.

More about my round the bend story and where I've gotten since then coming. If you like this, or want to read more, then comment....because I will probably find some other form of procrastination to occupy my time unless there is a reminder.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. -A. Hepburn